Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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