I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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