I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I wish they made helmets for livers.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
