When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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