I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Randomize
