Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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