I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
