I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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