we have pet lesbian snakes
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
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