youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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