3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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