hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
