I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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