My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
