one word: firstdatebathroomanal
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize