Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
