Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
