ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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