someone threw a dead crab at me
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
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