1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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