how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
