I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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