We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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