Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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