You're a womanizer and a bitch.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
