thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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