SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
