I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I love having hate sex.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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