Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
she peed on how many people?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
