I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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