I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize