Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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