he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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