I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
