Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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