Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Randomize
