If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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