Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
