Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
