I think im going to throw up on grandma
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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