never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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