meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
