Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
