why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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