Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
