Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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