Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
