Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
