shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
