Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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