Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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