god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
