yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Oh god it's open bar.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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