My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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