I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
