I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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