the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
