you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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