one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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