U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
