I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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