Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
