u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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