So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize