ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
