I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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