her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Success! We fucked roommates!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
