Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Jerry, you need to find god
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
