He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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