Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
